Are you being defensive in your relationships?
Atlas of the Heart says, “At its core, defensiveness is a way to protect our ego and a fragile self-esteem."Given this understanding, every time someone tries to give us feedback, if we perceive it as them talking about our shortcoming or imperfection, we are likely to react with defensiveness. The reality is that as human beings, we are a work in progress.
So, when you find yourself moving towards defensiveness, no matter whether it’s a learnt response, coming from a place of lack of control or a parenting style that felt insensitive, choose to pause.A good strategy is to start recognising moments and situations where we react with defensiveness and then to gauge how our body feels in those moments. My sense is we begin to feel overwhelmed, scared, agitated, restless and anxious moments before our defensiveness kicks in.
Take a step back and recognise what’s emerging in you.As we begin to name the feeling, we can also tame the feeling. It helps to take time out and sometimes tell the other person that you are struggling to receive the information, and ask if you can you come back to this later.
I have found that slowing down my breathing, choosing to listen quietly with openness and yet knowing that I will process slowly, with an option to filter the feedback, also eases me up.At the same time, learning to acknowledge where one may have overreacted, had an error in judgement, and taking responsibility helps us and can keep one’s defensiveness in check. The key to taking responsibility for our actions is acknowledging what we could have done differently, what sits well with our values, and this doesn’t mean taking complete blame for a situation either.Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based clinical psychologist. She is the
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